


The Life Of Lil Stinger (Not The Rapper)

by HateWritingToCope



Category: Kulipari Series - Trevor Pryce
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 20:12:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16688167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HateWritingToCope/pseuds/HateWritingToCope
Summary: Hello. My name is Stinger and this is my story.AU where Stinger goes to Cardigal





	1. The KULIPARI life

Hi. My name is Stinger and I'm not like the other scorpions. I have a six pack and I'm not ugly. Also, I'm a hoe. I know, not a lot of people would admit that but I'm a real slut. It’s just my lifestyle. I wear a red skirt, a black belt (I'm a ninja btw) and a red bandana. Other colors are for pussies. I never wear a shirt because I have a six pack.

I’m lying on my bed, looking at my Sasuke’s posters on the wall (He is my main inspiration), when suddenly someone comes barging in. He has light yellow skin and wears a brown Versace cape and a matching Coco Chanel loincloth. He’s overcompensating because he is very ugly.

Oh, who is he you say? It’s Old Jir, my main sugar daddy. He’s a little disgusting but he’s a veteran so you know he gets that good good government money. He’s also blind in one eye so he doesn’t know when I’m cheating on him.

“Stinger! It’s time for your **KULIPARI** training!”

I roll my eyes and sigh.

“Not in the mood, Jir!” I sigh while rolling my eyes.

“You have to, Stinger! You’ll relax when you’ll be able to use your poison!”

“Shut the fuck up old man!!!!!”

I get up and promptly leave the room. “I’ll prove to you that I can use it!!!” I say with rage. The frog follows behind me.

We arrive at the training grounds where the others **KULIPARI** in training are waiting for me. Everyone knows a star always arrives late!

“STInGeEEEEEEEER!!!!!!” screams Tipi.

She runs towards me and only stops when her hands land on my chest. That bitch is thirsty today. She starts rubbing her hands on my amazing abs. I understand her impatience, but I have other things to do today.

“Cut it out Tipi!” I say.

Tipi whines but complies rapidly. That girl is annoying but she’s kinda hot. That’s why she’s my main side chick. She’s a slut like me and you know that because she always wears a crop top.

Her sister Thuma join us in one leap. That girl has the biggest calves I have ever seen. They say never skip leg day, but she clearly forgot arm day. Sometimes she joins me and Tipi in our… other activities.

They also have another brother, Tharta but he’s kinda dumb. He’s blue but he has more the personality of a red echidna. To be fair, his KULIPARI power is also useful in… more intimate situation, if you know what I mean (for butt sex).

“Today we will have a very special training!” announce Old Jir behind me.

I groan when I feel his stinky breath on my neck. That frog never learned about personal space. He doesn’t need to whisper in my ears everything he wants to say. It’s not because he’s almost deaf that I’m like him too!

Like on cue, Jir grabs me by my bandana and get real close to my ear. I fear what’s going to happen next. He talked about a special training, right? He knows I already know how to use a buttplug, so what can he possibly have to teach me??!?!?

I feel his wet cracked lips against my skin. I shiver uncontrollably. He takes a breath. He’s going to say it.

“ _Hey how you doin' lil' mama let me whisper in ya ear_ ”

“FUCK OFF JIR!!!” I scream.

“Jeez, Stinger I was only going to say what you have to do for this special KULIPARI training!”

“Okay, okay!”

“First, get on your knees.”

“I’M NOT GONNA SUCK YOUR DICK!!!”

“I’M NOT ASKING FOR THAT! JUST. DO IT!!!”

I do as I’m told while rolling my eyes. Suddenly I feel Jir climbing on my back.

“That’s a weird kink” I mumble under my breath.

“Now get up and start running around and shit!”

I start running around and shit.

“I’m not sure about this training Jir!” I say after a few minutes.

“Trust me on this one, I had to do it with my master too, back in the days!”

“Sounds like you just want a piggyback ride.”

Suddenly a guttural voice cuts us off.

I do a back flip to face the newcomer. It’s Caz and his clique. He’s my side sugar daddy. He says that he has an army and I’m kinda horny for power. I can’t understand a thing he says though but that’s okay because who fucking cares? He is very ugly too, but everyone knows you don’t actually have sex with your sugar daddies.

“I stowl dis fo ya Stinga!”

He hands me a bucket with apples in it.

“Da fuck did you just say? And why are you giving me this?” I say.

Suddenly Tipi starts screaming.

“Did YOu jUsT STEal THat frOM PooR VillAGErs?!?!?!”

“Ya. Imma scorpion y’all.” Says Caz, shrugging.

“BUT ThaT’S bAD!!?!!!!!”

“Huh yeah it’s mean or whatever” I add.

Caz looks sadly at the bucket.

“Oh, okway imma go prowve to ya dat I dewservd da main sugaw daiddey title Stinga!”

“Hum yeah okay whatever”

Caz leaves but not without giving Jir a death glare. That’s probably not relevant to the rest of the plot.

As Caz is leaving, I hear Tipi’s grating voice.

“What’s going on over there?”

I drop Jir off my back and start walking over the docks where a lot of people seems to be gathering around. The triplets follow me, but Jir probably broke a hip in his fall or whatever. That ravenous bitch Coorah is probably running to the training ground as we speak to use her new satanic powers on Jir. That hoe has a sixth sense or something that allows her to smell blood, fear or injuries. Usual stuff.

At the docks, I spot Darel in the crowd of useless characters. When I was young, I always thought that bitch was straight as a pole. His looks are certainly lacking (he literally wears khakis all the time) but apparently, he’s into me. I mean, I have a six packs, so that’s not surprising.

“Is that a rescue mission? I want in!!!!” I say confidently.

Darel takes me by my shoulders and looks right into the eyes. Is bursting my bubble a frog thing?!?!

“I need you to watch over the village” he says in a sultry voice.

“I’ll suck your dick if you let me into that boat”

And that’s how I got to go to Cardigal.


	2. Sacrifices

The boat is pretty disappointing. I was at LEAST expecting a jacuzzi, but there’s not even a minibar. A MINIBAR for fuck’s sake! Darel is a little entertaining (he has the biggest frog’s dick I have ever seen) but he becomes boring very quickly. I don’t like dudes with daddy issues. He’s always like: “I’m not a  **KULIPARI** like my dad!” “I want to make my dad proud!” “My dad is dead!”. Gosh! Get over it man! I know I’m fucking all your siblings, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to whine about your stupid feelings!

On the boat, there’s also Dingo, but she’s more like a noodle than anything. I’m not really into it. But if she asked, I would fuck her. She has a brother, Ponto, who also happens to be on the ship. He’s a real hunk, but he only wears a speedo? For some reasons? I mean, I never wear a shirt, so I can understand what’s he going for, but… A speedo? With SUSPENDERS ON THE SIDE??? But anyway. He has a small dick. So.

I travel with Pigo too, but I think he’s family, so I can’t fuck him on the boat when there’s other people.

Finally, there’s Xava, but he has a weird tail kink and it weirds me out.

So basically, I’m bored.

The night finally came, and I was preparing myself to go bed, when suddenly, I hear Dingo scream from the mast.

“I think there’s something in the distance! Like a storm or something!”

I go to the front of the ship and I start hearing rumbling. God, there’s better not be a fucking waterfall. I try to listen better to the strange sound, but something keeps bothering me.

“PIGO, STOP FUCKING BARFING FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!” I scream to the other scorpion.

I roll my eyes and return my attention to the horizon. Wait a minute… is that? No, it can’t be…

“Dingo? What is going on?” I scream to her.

Even from below, I can clearly see her flabbergasted face.

“It’s… I’m not sure, but IT’S FUCKING RaaAAaAd my dudes!!!!” She screams while laughing like a maniac. Damn that chick is crazy.

“NOBODY SAYS THAT ANYMORE!!!” I scream back at her.

I look at the front of the ship once again and it’s when I see it. It’s… It’s…

A SHARKNADO!!!!!

Dingo is still laughing, but Darel is not into it.

“We have to do something!!! Dingo???!? Can you guide us?!?!” screams Darel.

However, Dingo, that crazy bitch, is still laughing and applauding.

“I’ll save you!” I say confidently.

I run towards the front of the ship. I focus my ninja skills (gotta think like Sasuke) and jump on the rocks below. I continue jumping from rock to rock, until I’m close enough to the Sharknado. One of the shark flies off the tornado and comes straight towards me. I brace myself and punch that motherfucker out.

“You cannot defeat me!!! I’M GONNA BE THE HOKAGE!!!!..  I MEAN… I’M GONNA BE THE BEST  **K U L I P A R I** !!!!!!!!”

Two other sharks come flying in my direction, but I grab both of them by the tail and throw them far away.

Suddenly, I hear a loud crash behind me. I turn around and realize my mistake. What a FOOL I was!!!!! Without my presence on the ship to save them, they crashed onto the rocks!!! I leave my position to go to the shore, but not without kicking a shark in the face. I land with a claw on the ground and the other one in the air, my bandana floating in the wind. The rest of the crew scrambles towards land, but they are blocked by a shower of arrows.

“What in the world?!?!” I scream.

Spider mans (no… not the THE Spider-man :( , my main bro…) are standing on a cliff above us, pointing their arrows towards us.

“Since when spiders are not chicks?!?!” I say to myself.

In the distance, Darel is screaming that he is the blue sky king, whatever that means, and that he’s gonna save all of us. Which implies that he’s gonna ask for my help. Whatever, I mean, I know I’m the best.

However, as I was going to sucker punch all those ugly dudes, Pigo runs towards them, screaming something about being a scorpion, and receives a big rock on the face. I groan, because that mean I must save him. Meanwhile, I hear Dingo screams and I realize that she received two arrows on the shoulder. Godammit everyone!!!! I only have six arms!!!! 

Ponto screams dramatically and takes Dingo in his arms. Gosh, he is an ugly crier.

“Get to safety, you useless pretzels!!!” I scream to them.

I escalate the cliff like the wind and start punching some of the spiders. Sadly, I realize they have an army of more than a hundred soldiers. What a bummer. I continue to beat the crap out of spiders, but some of them continue to throw rocks on the ground below.

Pigo, probably feeling dramatic today, is shielding Darel from the rocks with his hard shell. I KNEW THEY WERE FUCKING!

Suddenly, Pigo is blasted towards the edge of the cliff. MoTHER FucKER!! I jump towards him, doing sick flips and shit.

“Parkour!” I scream at every jump.

Darel is screaming Pigo’s name while rolling around dramatically.

I take Pigo’s claw just before he falls.

“No please! Leave me behind! You have to escape!!!!” He says dramatically.

“Da fuck are you talking about?” I ask him.

“Saving me will only slow you down!!! I’m a scorpion and it’s my duty to die for what I believe in! I will never back down from my faith! It’s my honor to sacrifice myself for you. I’m a scorpion and so are you! You should understand. You are young and I’m of an ambiguous age. Just go and save yourselves! As they say in the scorpion manual page 234 paragraph G-23: “One scorpion must die for the cause because I said it. - Gorboos IV.” This is sacred! I know you kids nowadays don’t learn those important things like we did, but I think—.”

“OH MY GOD PIGO, IT’S YOUR FUCKING SPEECH THAT’S SLOWING US DOWN!!!!”

“It’s too late! Let me go!”

“I can easily pull you up, you know!”

“JUST LET ME DROWN ALREADY!!!!”

“Whoa, okay, jeez! But I don’t understand why you’d want that.”

I let him go. As Pigo is falling, I hear his final words.

“IT’S BECAUSE IT’S My kiiiiiiiink!!!!!”

The words of a true hero.

I turn around to evaluate the situation and see Dingo laying against a tree, with Xava at her side. Her wound seems worse than I thought. I run towards them, Darel following behind me.

“We must leave!” I say.

I take the noodle in my arms, drop kick a few spiders, and run to the woods. When I stop hearing noise from our pursuers, I stop to assess the damages.

Darel is out of breath and mumbling about blue sky king shenanigans, Xava stares at the void, Dingo complains about her little flesh wound, Pigo drowned because he was horny, and Ponto is… Wait… Where’s that motherfucker?

“Someone has seen Ponto?” I ask.

Xava starts wiggling but I ignore him.

“He sacrificed himself for us!” respond Dingo with a sob.

“He had a drowning kink too?!?!?”

“Wha..? No! The spiders took him with them!”

“Oh. Well, we are going to Cardigal anyway. I guess he just took the fastest way.”

“Oh. My. Fucking god— Just transport me and let’s go save my brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In me boat I sail  
> Singin' shanties with me crew  
> Shit that's Sharknado


	3. Spider's Tale

Cardigal was fucking ugly. But now, it’s even uglier after the passage of Darel-I-don’t-care-about-property-damage Fuckface. Okay. I don’t actually know his last name, so I’ve taken some liberties.

The city is now trashed from everywhere and I’ll admit I’m actually kinda impress by how much chaos he can cause without actually wanting to do so. That frog is probably a better scorpion than I am. Like damn.

It all started with Darel saying that we shouldn’t bring attention to ourselves. MMMH HMMM!!! YEAH RIGHT DAREL! YOU’RE SO FUNNY! He actually manages to piss off a poor butcher that was only trying to make a living by cooking some geckos. WHO’S THE REAL VILLAIN NOW, DAREL?!?! I can still hear the cries of this poor guy. “HEY! MY MEAT!!!” he said with a broken voice.

And now, we are currently surrounded from everywhere. Spiders and lizards want our heads. I would just punch all those suckers, but I’m kinda thinking to throw Darel at them. These people were only honest workers who got all their shit broken. However, before I can even decide, I start hearing faint music in the distance.

“What..?” I say under my breath.

I can see I’m not hallucinating, because spiders as well as lizards have started to furrow their brow. The music is starting to get louder and louder. Is that?..

_ I’M A BOSS ASS BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. _

A spider has turned the corner and there she is.

“Lady Falgha?!?!?” screams some of our opponents.

“Yes! It is I!!!!” she says with confidence.

The spider steps up in front of everyone, turning around and looking each of us in the eyes, trying to establish dominance. She is wearing the latest Cardigal fashion and her eyebrows are totally on fleek. I guess I dig her style.

The music from earlier is still playing from who knows where. Is that… the power of Nightcasting??!?!?!?

_ I’M A BOSS ASS BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. _

“Do not harm these fools!” she continues. “I have business to do with them!”

“Yeah well those fucking  _ fools _ destroyed OUR businesses!” yells a red spider.

“I mean, yeah, but your insurances are gonna pay for everything, so…”

“BUT I JUST LIKE MURDER, LET’S MURDER THEM!” screams a lizard.

All the other lizards start to yell as well, chanting for blood.

“I guess I have no choice…” murmurs Lady Falgha.

_ I’M A BOSS ASS BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. _

“ADMIRE THE POWER OF THE BEST NIGHTCASTER OF CARDIGAL!!!! LAY YOUR UNDESERVING EYES UPON THE BEAUTY OF MY CREATIONS!!!!!! BEWARE OF MY INCREDIBLE STRENGTH!!!!”

She throws a smoke bomb on the ground and starts running.

“Follow me!!!!”

Darel immediately starts running after her, so I have no choice but to do the same, Dingo in my arms and Xava behind me.

After a while, we finally reach Lady Falgha’s living quarters. Inside, all the walls, the supplies and the lights are green. Oh my god. We get it. You smoke weed.

_ I’M A BOSS ASS BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. _

“Well. Now, I see that you have an injured friend! I can heal her.” says Falgha.

“How can we trust you?!?! Why did you help us?!?!?” ask Darel, suspicious.

“Yeah! You suck, bitch! HahHAhaHAahahaha!!!!”

“Oh my god, shut up Dingo!” I say while rolling my eyes.

Falgha smirks, lifting one eyebrow to establish dominance.

“It’s simple really! I have a debt to my friend!” she says while looking at me.

“A DEbT?!?!?!??! To STinGER?!?!?” yell Darel and Dingo in unison.

“Oh yes! I almost forgot!” I chuckle.

_“_ How do you even know each other?” says Darel, still shocked.

“Well… I guess I can say the story. Do you know what the poison scrolls are?” says Falgha.

“The poison scrolls? No! There was not enough build up to them until now!”

“Okay, well, they are scrolls with tremendous power! The poison power!”

“What can they do?”

“I don’t fucking know, man! There just super crazy and shit.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway…” I say. “Here’s the story: It all started when—”

_ I’M A BOSS ASS BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. _

_ “ _ Mmmh… Falgha… Dear?”

“Yes. Stinger.”

“Could you… Stop?”

“Stop what?!”

“THE FUCKING MUSIC!!!!”

“IT’S MY THEME SONG!!!!”

“I DON’T CARE!!!! IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!”

“YOU JUST SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!!!!!”

“I DO AND IT’S THE FOURTH OPE **NING** **FOR PART ONE OF** **N A R U T O** **!!!!** ”

“THAT’S.  **N A R U T O’S THEME SONG** **!!!!!!!!!!** ”

“…”

“Now, you’re just being a bitch.” I say.

I stare at Falgha. She stares at me.

Suddenly, someone’s crazy cackles break the tense silence.

“Wow! I didn’t know you both could do ultrasounds! HehEHEhehe!!!” says Dingo REALLY inappropriately.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, DINGO!!!!!!” Falgha and I yell at the same time.

“Yeah okay, but what about that story?” says Darel from behind the chair where he was hiding.

“Oh yeah. I’ll explain.” says Falgha. “It was during the time I was working for Lord Nargadwglywdwgyf;GFABH;JjHJfceéljskd. It was after― “

“Wait?! Who????” interrupts Dingo.

“Nhearwuhafw;Wah;FCgHFwkfCHB!!!! The spider god! He is…  _ was _ … a very important figure of the spider lore! Anyway… As I was saying, I worked for NsjkhefwdGAEÈKFFWkfhe after Jarrah died. He showed me one of the poison scrolls and that made me very angry. Stinger showed up, freeing Cock Head with his mustachioed girlfriend or whatever and they dropkick Lord Naraarararsarfafafsafsfsghksdeg onto the sun.”

“…”

Dingo and Darel fix Falgha, unsure.

“That’s the worst iteration of this story I have ever heard.” I say.

“YOU THINK YOU COULD DO BETTER?!” yells Falgha.

“Just show it to them with nightcasting! But in  _ my _ perspective!”

“Fine.” spit out the angry spider.

A green orb starts to form in her hand. In the hazy mist of the glowing ball, I suddenly see the really attractive silhouette of a young scorpion…  _ ME! _

_ I was in front of the spider god castle, accompanying that basic pastel bitch Wilka. Nobody knew where the fuck she came from, but she met Burnu in a bar or something. By the way, Burnu is that emo punk  _ _**K U L I P A R I** _ _ with… Hum… how do I put it… HAIR. Big orange HAIR on that frog’s head, like he’s some sort of giant chicken. He also has a bad attitude. But anyway, we were there because he got kidnap by Lord NajjkeBeeeeeeeeefejNDJKEW while looking for the poison scrolls. He had texted Wilka his location with a lot of winking emojis, followed by: _

_ “Hashtag been kidnap lollolololol” _

_ “Plz halp ;) ;)” _

(She responded with -_- by the way)

_ Infiltrating the castle was pretty easy since they didn’t guard the windows. We saw Lady Falgha in a big room, gasping at the big ugly form of… LORD MARMELADE!..  _ _ I MEAN _ _ MARMOO. He was covered with orange runes that didn’t match his tint. At. All. _

_ However, I was the one to gasp when a saw  _ HIM _. LORD NANJSHASBHBDASJKBJASJKA. He was wearing four golden Louboutin high heels with a matching golden armor. His hair was freshly dyed in a bright caramel by underpaid workers. A purple butt fur was completing the assemble.  _

_ He was magnificent. I had to tap that. _

_ “Huhuhuhu! Lady Falgha! You see that? He IS the poison scroll! Isn’t it WILD? HE’S NOT EVEN A PIECE OF PAPER! WHY DO WE CALL THAT A SCROLL??!! Huhuhuhuhu!” the god said with a theatrical arm movement. _

_ “That dude fucking killed my girlfriend!” screamed Falgha, outraged. _

_ “Yah well that’s not my problem. But if this reassures you, he will stay chained in my… Dungeon!” _

_ “You can’t be fucking serious? Nobody wants that fucko here!” _

_ “I’m LITERALLY your god, so I do what I want.” _

_ Falgha left, mumbling about murder under her breath. As for NhufauhfrhhiXxcsddshdh, he took Marmoo with his Yaoi hands and went down a corridor. With a nod, Wilka and I agreed to follow the golden spider. _

_ We arrived in a spacious room with sexy lighting and chains linked to the walls. The spider god attached Marmoo rapidly and then turned towards another figure in the corner of the room. _

_ “My dear boy! How are you today?” Najsaj;kdshjdcsn said to the form. _

_ “If we’re not gonna fuck, I don’t wanna do small talk!” _

_ Yikes. Burnu. I forgot that he likes BDSM. _

_ “Huhuhuhu! Dear! You are so feisty!” _

_ One of NajndjdekhEHJfcjdksjwjdshsdah giant hands gently stroked Burnu’s chest. _

_ “Maybe we’ll fuck later. Winky face!” _

_ “Don’t say that out loud.” _

_ “I’m a god, I do what I want.” _

_ “Whatever.” _

_ Lord Nsnjud;jdjdskhndcjhdxhnndxb started to leave, forcing me and Wilka to hide. He passed us, too busy singing  _ I’m Too Sexy _ by  _ Right Said Fred _ to notice us. When he was finally far enough, we went to Burnu to remove his restrains. _

_ “Wilka!?!?!?! Stinger?!?!?!?!?! I was starting to wonder when you’d come!” _

_ “You texted us thirty minutes ago.” deadpanned Wilka. _

_ “Still.” _

_ We left the room hastily, relieved to leave this weird ass palace. _

_ “STOP RIGHT HERE.” _

_ We all turned towards to voice, only to see Lord Nasjdjhdsehjcddkj himself, standing in all his glory. _

_ “Huhuhuhuhu! You can’t escape! Because I don’t want you to!” he said with glamour. _

_ “I have other things to do Nadjdsjndsjdsjk!” I retorted. _

_ “Is that so? I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT IT IS TO BE A GOD!!!!!!” _

_ I dropkicked Najsjshdahjdehsd’s face. The golden spider flew to the big pillar in the middle of the room, making the whole castle start to crumble to pieces. Well, folks, that’s what happens when you put only one supporting beam in your house. _

Falgha’s nightcasting stopped, ending the movie.

“What? It ends like that?” says Dingo, mouth full of popcorn.

“They escaped. I escaped. Najsajhsbhdsay is dead. Now we are here. The end.” says Falgha in a monotone voice.

“Shit is lit!”

“I guess so.”

“Anyway… I’m kinda slowly dying by poison over there, so if SOMEONE with… I don’t know… Nightcasting power could heal me…”  

Falgha rolls her eyes, but agrees nonetheless. Once Dingo is healed, Darel steps up (for once) and asked how she is planning to help us.

“It’s simple, really. As a citizen of Cardigal, I can find a way to rescue your friend.”

“How do you know about Ponto?!?!?!?!”

“He’s  **K U L I P A R I** ! Everybody is talking about him right now! He’s gonna be an interesting participant.”

“Wait… Participant?”

“Yes! Darkan has a big arena were randos fight for no reason.”

“GLADIATORS FIGHT?!?!?!?!?! AWESOME DUDES!!!!!!” says Dingo while punching the air.

“Mmmyessss… Anyway, to access the prison, we will have to go through the sewers. Before ANYONE complains about that, I KNOW sewers are smelly, but deal with it. I’m the one who will suffer the most. I am a distinguished person and not a dumb adventurer or whatever. So, NO complaints. Also, you will have to wear special edition capes by Jean-Paul Gaultier. We are in Cardigal, DAMMIT!”

“Hum, will that make us stand out even more?” I say.

“Nonsense! Your fashion sense FUCKING SUCKS!” screams Falgha.

“Whatever. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG9HMazUe38


	4. Anyway, Here’s Wonderwall

“UGH! It’s horrible!”

“I SAID _NO_ COMPLAINTS, DINGO!” yells Falgha.

Talk about a stealth mission. It’s true that the sewers suck, but it’s not a reason to yell every two seconds.

“WELL IF THIS ISN’T MY OLD PAL, MY DUDE, MY FRIEND!” a voice booms across the sewers.

Great. We’ve been spotted. How surprising.

From a manhole in the ceiling, a lizard falls in front of us. He stands up while tossing aside his cape for dramatic effect.

“Missed me?” says the lizard with a sultry voice.

“Who… are you?”

The sudden silence is deafening. Way to destroy the mood.

“Mh mh mh mh! Darel… I didn’t know you could be funny too!” says the lizard.

“Who is this fool?” I ask with disdain.

Falgha takes a step towards the lizard. She raises an eyebrow to establish dominance.

“This, my friends, is captain Killara.”

“More like KILL that fella, imma right?!?!?!?!” exclaims Dingo.

“Ha. Ha. How delightful... I’m more of an ex-captain though.”

“Well, you are in our way, so go away.” I say.

“Come on Snorebutt! You remember me, right?” pleads Killara while looking at Darel.

Darel cough awkwardly. Snorebutt? That stupid frog has an ex?!?!?!?! I mean, he DOES have a weird butt.

“What do you want Killara?” finally says Darel.

“I _heard_ that a certain… **K U L I P A R I** has been detained in the dungeons! You… want to free him, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, my dear, I could help! As the ex-captain of Cardigal, I know a way to get to the prisoners! What do you say?”

“No.”

I start walking away.

“WAIT! My plan is easier than anything that spider could have concocted!”

Boss ass bitch starts to faintly play in the distance.

“What do _you_ know, stupid lizard?!” says Falgha, a dangerous tone in her voice.

“Like I said, I know this place like the back of my hand! See this door over there? At midnight, it will be unlocked!”

“Looks like a trap. What do you gain in return?” I say.

“Whaaa-? I… NEVER. You… HoW dARe YoU? DO you EVEN know ME? A TRAP? ME? How foolish that would BE! I could never! I’ve never done anything for my personal GAIN! EVER! I am but a gentle soul, free of bad intention! I… I’m SHOOKETH by those accusations!” says Killara while gesturing wildly.

“Myeaaaah. I don’t think so.”

“Come on, Guys! Do you even have a better option? _Come on!_ What is even your great plan, lady Falgha?”

“I was gonna break down that door and kill everyone in my way.”

“Jesus Falgha. Really?” Darel says.

“MARMOO IS GONNA PAY. I WON’T HESITATE, _BITCH_. BLOOD WILL PAINT THOSE WALLS, AND NOTHING WILL STAND IN THE WAY OF MY VENGEANCE!!!!”

“Maybe Killara’s way is better after all.”

“Yessssssss!”

“Fine. But you’ll regret this.” says Falgha. “Now go ahead, I need to talk to Killara. We’re totally not gonna make out or anything.”

* * *

 

So this is how, at midnight, we ended up in the sewers again. The door was unlocked, like promised. As soon as we stepped inside, the door magically closed behind us, which is weird because Falgha is the one with magic powers.

“I KNEW it was a TRAP!!!!” yells the spider.

Falgha takes a few steps back and then comes charging towards the door. She fucking obliterates the entrance like it’s nothing.

“It’s not a trap anymore.” she announces while dusting her outfit.

She steps over the debris like she didn’t just murdered that door and starts walking, head hold high. We follow her, now more confident in our chances. We encounter a few guards, but with Ms. MurderRageApocalypse over there, they cause no real threat. We found the prisons in no time.

“I think this is where we part way, dears.” says Lady Falgha.

“What? Why?” asks Darel.

“I need to find Marmoo and fucking destroy that motherfucker.”

“Since when is he here???”

“Do you ever listen to me? He is a gladiator as well!”

“How many people are fucking gladiators? _I_ wanna be one!” whines the noodle.

“That’s not how it works, Dingo…”

“Anyway. See ya never.”

Lady Falgha takes the left corridor, Boss Ass Bitch slowly fading away.

“Well, now, we have to go right or it’s gonna be awkward.” says Dingo.

“No big deal. We just need to find Ponto and Koa and we are out of here.”

“Wait a minute. Who the fuck is Koa?” I interrupt Darel.

“How do you NOT know!?!?!?! HE’S THE WHOLE REASON WE ARE HERE! THIS IS A RESCUE MISSION!!!!!”

“Oh. I guess I didn’t pay attention.”

Darel grumbles in his palms, but I don’t pay attention to his drama. I start walking to the right, the others slowly following me. We now only have one valuable player in our team since Falgha left, but I’m not worried.

Because I’m the best.

After a few minutes of wandering around, we finally found that useless son of a bitch Ponto.

“GUYS! Oh my god, I’m so relieved! The meals here taste like shit and there’s this weird ninja turtle who won’t stop talking to me and this emo guy won’t stop fucking playing with his didgeridoo but like, he only knows WONDERWALL! WONDERWAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!”

“Hum, nice to see you too.” says Darel.

“Yeah. Also, the cell is magic or whatever so don’t touch the bars.”

Dingo touches the bars.

“WAHOOO! DANG DUDE! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING IN HERE! I’M SO JEALOUS!!!”

“Fuck, is she on drugs again?”

“How would I know? What is even her normal state?” Darel mumbles.

“Anyway, we need to get you out of here.” I say.

“Yeah.” says Ponto.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeeeeeah… So how we do that?”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PLAN????” yells Ponto.

“We might not have think this through. By the way, have you seen Koa?”

“Ha! Do you mean if I HEARD him?!?!?! BECAUSE I FUCKING DID!”

“Mmmokay. Which cell?”

“Two down, on the left.”

We follow Ponto’s instructions and here he is, didgeridoo on his lap, emo makeup in excess, annoying frog features. It’s Koa. I think.

“What are you doing here?” says Koa.

He doesn’t even stand up. He’s just crouching, a hand on his face like he’s in deep pain.

“Koa? We came to rescue you!”

“I don’t wanna go… My friends…” he says in an emo voice.

“What? But you father sent us! He said he needs to go fishing, but he’s too lazy! Whatever that means. He’s really worried about you!”

“I can’t… Darkan will kill everyone if I don’t fight… I… Must… Sacrifice! MYSELF!”

“But don’t you have godlike powers?”

“CaN’t! SAVE! EveRYonE!!!! I... must… STAY HErE!”

“Fuck dude are you constipated or something?” I say.

“OF COURSE, I AM! I’M NEVER GONNA SHIT IN THE SAME ROOM WHERE I SLEEP! NEVER!!!!”

“Okay, well. I’m sure there’s a nice toilet waiting for you, back in your village. So. Come. With. Us.”

“But my…FRIENDS!”

“OH MY GOD DUDE STOP BEING EMO FOR A HOT SEC AND LET YOURSELF BE RESCUED FOR FUCKS SAKE.”

“But…”

I take a step forward.

“LISTEN HERE, _PUNK_ . WE TRAVELED _THIS_ FAR, ONLY TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS, SO FUCKING USE YOUR FUCKING **G O D L I K E** POWERS TO SAVE YOURSELVES AND ALL OF THE OTHERS, BECAUSE I’M STARTING TO FELL _REAAAAAL_ MOODY.”

“Okay, but Darel has to carry me bridal style.”

“Agreed.”

“Wait! Why the fuck?” protests Darel.

“Just roll with it, dude.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like this fic, jokes on you. You already read four chapters. You will never be able to forget what you read here. One day, you will wake up in the middle of the night, in cold sweat, letters flashing before your eyes. Voices will whisper in your ears those forbidden words. You will try to fall asleep, but to no avail. You thought you could read this just for funsies, but your soul is now trapped in eternal hell. What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?


	5. Nobody cares about chapters’ names

Koa definitely makes me want to eat sand and die a painful death. I mean, I know I’m a tiny little bit edgy, but that dude is next level emo. He totally has a hero complex. What a loser.

We succeeded in freeing everyone. Apparently, all we needed to do was to wave Darel around and Koa does everything for that idiot. Does he have a crush or something? Ponto told me Koa whined to everyone for _days_ when they ask for his help, but _Darel_ comes out of nowhere and suddenly he can do anything? DID HE GET HIMSELF KIDNAP ON PURPOSE? Talk about desperate. Damn.

Anyway, the whole prison is flowing with idiots trying to get out. The soldiers can’t contain them all. It’s almost like they could have done a mutiny since the beginning.

As for us, we could have escaped a long time ago, but we are trying to find a certain lizard who set us up. He needs to hear a piece of my goddam mind. WHICH IS MY CLAW IN HIS FACE.

Also, Darel and Koa want to kill Darkan, but whatever. I don’t know that dude.

After a little bit of wandering around, we found ourselves in a throne room decorated with pieces of meat. For some reason. It’s probably where Darkan spends his time, but there is no sign of him.

“I’m sure it’s here! It must be! We just need to-”

I turn around to see Killara and two other lizards entering the throne room. They all screech to a stop.

“Y’ALL!??!?!” screams Killara.

“Killara!” screams Darel in return.

“We are not here to steal back a big ass pearl!” declares Killara hurriedly.

“You lost my pearl?!?!?”

“I SAID I’M NOT HERE TO GET IT BACK!”

“What pearl? What are they talking about?” I ask.

“Darel gave that pearl to Killara as gift before he caught him cheating on him. Yiiiiiiiiiiikes!!!” Dingo whispers-screams to me.

Great. Darel is too emotionally attached to this to take the right decisions.

“Back off, Pepe!” I say. “Killara tried to set us up (and I put emphasis on _tried to),_ so he needs to get his ass kicked! Forget about this gift! Pearls are like the least incredible jewel of them all.”

“You don’t understand, scorpion! It’s a _really_ big pearl!”

“Yeah, maybe bigger than your dick!” I reply smugly.

Dingo starts whooping and cheering after my burn. Maybe she’s not that bad after all.

“You clearly never saw my dick. Check this out!”

Killara lifts his loincloth and then proceeds to unroll his dick.

“Dang, is that another tail?”

“THAT’S MY PENIS!”

“It’s sitting on the ground.”

“BECAUSE IT’S BIG!”

“Have you seen a doctor recently?”

“I DON’T NEED TO BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING OUTSTANDING!”

I mean, I guess it _IS_ big.

“Please remove your genitals from the floor.” says Dingo.

“Yeah, we need to start battling and shit.” I add.

“Fine. But my swordsman skills are amazing. In both ways, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t, actually.”

“My other sword is my penis.”

“That’s probably inconvenient for your partners. No wonder Darel has a snorebutt.”

“COULD YOU JUST START TO FIGHT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!?!?!?!” yells Dingo.

I roll my eyes, but I take a fighting stance, ready for Killara’s first move. The lizard takes his sword out (the metal one) and also takes a fighting stance. We stare at each other, trying to predict the movement of our opponent. A good minute passes, everything frozen in time. Should I be the first one to attack? Most time, I start punching without any hesitation, but that’s my first duel. Killara is kinda dumb, but not as dumb as most of my opponent.

I need to think of _Him_.

WHAT WOULD SASUKE DO?!?!?!?!?!?!

As it turned out, I don’t have to decide because Killara starts charging towards me, screaming at the top of his lung. I also start charging and screaming. For dramatic effect.

His sword (the metal one) meets my claw in a shower of sparks. Are my claws fucking made a of silex or what?

We both grunt under the effort. This is more of a challenge that I would have thought. We finally separate with another grunt, only to start hitting each other again. The fight is starting to get epic. I know that because Dingo has brought the popcorn. She is whooping and laughing.

Killara and I are dancing around each other, doing backflips and shit. It’s super cool.

Suddenly I see something familiar. A move only a really cool guy would know… Is he? COULD HE BE?

“I know what you are Killara!” I shout at him. He still hits me with his swords, but a smile has formed on his face.

“Say it. Out loud. Say it!”

“You’re… You’re…”

“ **A** **K U L I P A R I** **!!!!!** ” He screams. “ **A SASUKE FAN** **!!!!** ” I yell at the same time.

“Wait what?” Killara says.

“Oh. You’re not… My mistake.” I say.

“ _I mean I kinda like Sasuke too._ ”

“Really?”

“Ya dude.”

Killara and I start making out on the floor.

“BOOOOOOO! LAAAAAAAME!” Dingo shouts at us. We ignore her.

“What the fuck is going on here?!?!?”

Killara suddenly gets up. Who da FUCK is cockblocking me!?!?!?! I turn towards the door, only to see a fat dinosaur looking at us with his greasy eyes.

“DARKAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!” shouts everyone.

I assume this is Darkan.

Wait. In the video game that would be the final boss, right?

“EVERYBODY WAIT A SEC!!!!” I scream.

“What the fuck Stinger?” says Dingo.

“Yeah dude, like, I was gonna start punching and throwing bodies here, man!” protests Darkan.

“Just stop everything for two seconds! I’m going to this curtain over there, so in the meantime nobody fucking moves!”

“Okay, jeez, but why? You don’t have a super cool secret plan to destroy me, right?” Darkan mumbles.

“JUST WAIT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

I run behind a curtain. This is my moment. I can feel it.

One minute later I’m ready. I press play on my Iphone. (Fuck those Android users)

The Final Countdown starts blaring in the room. I toss aside the curtain and step in front of everybody. My red cape is twirling around me and my designer diadem shines in the torches’ light. Everything is in slow motion for some reason.

I look fucking amazing.

“NOW I’M READY!” I laugh.

I can feel all eyes on me. This time, I don’t hesitate. I know what to do. I WAS BORN FOR THIS MOMENT!

I punch Darkan in the face. He flies across the room like a fat meaty shooting star. I hear his body crashing down on the floor. The air is standing still.

Dingo runs towards Darkan and crouches next to him. After a few moments she turns towards us.

“He’s fucking dead!”

**♪IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN♪♫**

**DUH DAH DUH DUUUUUH TALALALULAAAAA**

**TALALAAAA LAAAA**

**♫THE FINAL COUNTDOWN♪**

**DUH DAH DUH DUUUUUH DAH DUH DAH TA TAAA**

**DUH DAH DUH DUUUUUUH DAH DUH DUUUH TA TAAA TAAAAAA TALALAAAAAA TALALAATATUTATUUUUUUUUUUH TALALULALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *credits roll*
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Welp. You'll definitely never forget this one.


	6. EPILOGUE

I’ve finally arrived home. The village got wreck as fuck for some reason, but I couldn’t care less. I was a hero. I saved Neo or whoever the fuck and killed Darkan. The few people who weren’t eaten by snakes threw a huge party for me (and the other losers I guess). Tipi was all over me, as usual, but not that old fuck. That’s when I learned from the annoying bitch that Old Jir was dead. FINALLY, I can have his heritage.

The night was still going strong when Caz took me aside.

“Hewwo young wone. Didja learn abwout Owd Jir?”

“Yeah whatever. It was time or something.”

“Huhuhu. Ya it was tiwme.”

“What do you want?”

“I mawde a huge awrmy for ya. Wanna ditch thowse losers?”

“Did you say an army?”

“Don’t believe meh?”

“No, I mean, I never understand whatever the fuck you’re saying.”

“Hum ‘kay. But ya. Awrmy.”

“Sounds chill.”

“So ya coming?”

“Now?”

“Ya dude.”

“No. I need two days.”

“Ya really wanna say goodbyes? That’s not ya.”

“What? No. It’s just that it’s the full moon in two days.”

“Oh. Figures.”

“And now I have a new playlist to make. Urgh.”

“Mmh.”

Two days later, my super cool outfit on, my playlist in one claw and my heritage in the other, I make my way to the desert. The stars were shining bright and the moon was huge as fuck in the sky. Damn. Is the moon supposed to be that big? Better not fall on us. I sold my ocarina to some blond fucker.

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a shrill cry.

“STiNgeR???!?!?!?!”

For the love of-

“Tipi?”

“Don’t go!!!!!!! WE ArE YoUr FAMILYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m not going!”

Tipi stopped crying. Snot was all over her face. Wait. Or is that just her frog slime?

“Really?” She said tentatively.

“No.”

“STINGEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Urgh, look, I have an army now. I have responsibilities!.. Huh…”

“…”

“…Wait… WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?! I CAN’T HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES!!!”

“Just stay then!”

“I can’t! I put too much effort in this playlist!”

“B-bu-but STiNgER!!!!!!!!”

“Look. I have to go.”

“At least, take me in your arms one last time!!!!”

I sigh but complied. I would probably be sad too, if I couldn’t see myself ever again. Gosh, now I’m tearing up. I’m so great.

We finally parted ways (FINALLY) and I climb the cliff where Caz was waiting for me.

“Took ya long enough.”

“A star is always late.”

“Oh. Like because they’re really fawr?”

“What?!”

“The light is late becose… neva mind. Like my arwmy?”

I look down the cliff and there it was. An actual army.

“Holy fuck! You didn’t lie!” I exclaim.

“Of course not!”

“Aw man! This makes me think of this scene in Naruto where Sasuke-”

“Urhf.”

I stop dead in my tracks.

“What was that?”

“Whot? Oh. I just can’t stawnd him. Huhu.”

“…Naruto?”

“No. Sasuke.”

…

…

…

…

What. Did. He. Said?

“ **YOU’RE DEAD MEAT!!!!!** ”

“Wait! Stinga!”

I see red.

I stab Caz with my tail.

He’s body falls pathetically on the dirt.

I feel the eyes of all those scorpions on me, but nobody moves. Nobody protests.

“All of you! Listen to me!”

I have all their attention.

“If anyone, ANYONE, has a problem with Sasuke Uchiha, I will destroy you! You understand that?”

My declaration is met with silence, but I know I got them. I’m their god now.

“THEN FOLLOW ME!”

I put on Toxic by Britney Spears while walking away in the moonlight.

Oh yeah. I’m toxic. ;)

 THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby, can't you see   
> I'm calling  
> A guy like you should wear a warning  
> It's dangerous  
> I'm falling  
> There's no escape  
> I can't wait  
> I need a hit  
> Baby, give me it  
> You're dangerous  
> I'm loving it  
> Too high  
> Can't come down  
> Losin' my head  
> Spinnin' 'round and 'round  
> Do you feel me now?  
> Oh,   
> The taste of your lips  
> I'm on a ride  
> You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
> With a taste of a poison paradise  
> I'm addicted to you  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> And I love what you do  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> It's getting late   
> To give you up  
> I took a sip   
> From my devil's cup  
> Slowly, it's taking over me  
> Too high   
> Can't come down  
> It's in the air and it's all around  
> Can you feel me now?  
> Oh,   
> Taste of your lips  
> I'm on a ride  
> You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
> With the taste of a poison paradise  
> I'm addicted to you  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> And I love what you do  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> Taste of your lips  
> I'm on a ride  
> You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
> With a taste of a poison paradise  
> I'm addicted to you  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> With the taste of your lips  
> I'm on a ride  
> You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
> With a taste of the poison paradise  
> I'm addicted to you  
> Don't you know that you're toxic?  
> Intoxicate me now  
> With your lovin' now  
> I think I'm ready now  
> I think I'm ready now  
> Intoxicate me now  
> With your lovin' now  
> I think I'm ready now

**Author's Note:**

> Here he goes


End file.
